Why it Just Didn't Work Out

January 27, 2017

[Here I go, oversharing my life again]


I'll try to make this as relatable as I can, even for those of you who have better luck than I. After three months of pure bliss, my love life has come crashing down once again. To all of you out there saying, "Girl, me too," you're gonna relate. 


Today, in the dining hall, I was eating lunch with a friend, Yeinye. Let's call him Soko for simplicity. Soko has become incredibly close to me over the last semester-and-a-few-weeks. So close, in fact, that he found himself inserting himself into my personal life and assessing it, rightfully so. He explained to me something that has been said to me time and time again, in and out of relationships, in and out of boy troubles, from every person who has genuinely cared about me.


Here is how my love life was explained to me: 


'You have a guy that shows you the slightest bit of attention, and you get excited and return it tenfold, which puts you up here (imagine the hand gestures that accompany). He returns it fivefold, not quite to where you're at. Somewhere along the way, he decides something isn't the way he wants it. He's not around anymore. You fall back to where you started (the hand falls back to the starting point) and start all over with another guy.'


This has been said to me before. This isn't news to me whatsoever, I mean I am there throughout this whole process each and every time. 


Hearing this from someone who is relatively new to my life, however, was different. I denied it silently for a few minutes. The more I sat there, the more I started to think about how right he was. Every time this had been said to me before, I brushed it off with an I know what I'm doing, thank you! attitude. I started to go from past guy to past guy, connecting the dots.


1. He wasn't coming back to school the next year and didn't see how I fit. 2. A long distance relationship wasn't the way he wanted it. 3. I was going to travel that summer and he didn't want me to leave. 4. I wasn't the way he wanted it. 5. I couldn't see him in a timely manner, he got busy, I wasn't worth the time. 


The reason hearing it this time was different was because I knew Soko had seen me at my worst. He has taken care of me when I've been sick. He has held my hand through hard times in my life. He has been with me through my entire shift into college. He has also seen me at my best, laughing at dog clothes in Petsmart while I assemble a care package for Steve. 


He made it a point toward the end of his devastating lecture to tell me that he's mad at the guys, not at me. That had never been said to me before. I had always been blamed for picking the wrong ones, for not giving the right ones a chance, for doing this to myself. He credited them for my upset. They were the ones that screwed up. They were the ones that were losing something good.


It doesn't always work out. For whatever reason is presented to you, it just might not happen the way you want it to happen. You had his birthday present planned out, you had your trip to see him planned out, you had every cute text screenshotted in your phone, you had everything in order. It wasn't the same to him. His life wasn't in order and that's not your fault


Keep loving tenfold, because that is an admirable quality. But like I've said in almost anything I've ever written in my life, and something I'm learning everyday: take your time. 


You deserve as much love as you give. Sometimes it's not in significant others. Sometimes you find the love you need in your Sam, your Lauryn, or your Yeinye. 


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© 2017 by Cathryn and Lauryn- All photography credit to rightful owners​